Not the World’s Best Babysitter

Hooded babysitter finger-paints wantonly on walls and charges

But she shows up on time, usually.

Pizza Hexe

Pizza hexe tosses a pie pulled from her own body.

As boys in a small German village, my brothers and I would sneak out at night, drawn to the light from the kitchen window in the back of Zeppi’s pizzeria. We would watch in a silent mix of hunger and horror as the pizza hexe tossed pies pulled from her own body.

The In-Laws are Coming! The In-Laws are Coming!

Get up, get up! An In-law invasion is imminent!

Prep the scrub brushes!

Fire up the Yankee Candles!


Mecha-birds examine their offspring.

“Oh look honey, she has your heat shielding!”

Family Gathering

Me and Andrew and Paul and Joe and Liz and Mom and Dad and other family members

There’s nothing easy about getting this pack together.
What with making sure there aren’t six kinds of potato salad on the table, coordinating everyone’s transportation with the tiny car and keeping everyone’s blade under eight inches, I honestly have to ask myself, ‘Is it worth it?’

At the end of that weekend each summer though, after the last paper plate’s tossed, the last red nose reattached, and a fresh set of memories fighting for attention, the answer’s easy.


I’ll give YOU marital bliss!

Jacob is struck by his lovely wife

Jacob wondered, not for the first time, how it was he managed to marry the last surviving member of the Knag tribe.

Abominable Lincoln Logs

Lincoln log creature loping through the fog

“Put your toys away when you're done playing with them,” Bea’s mom would say.
“Okay Mommy,” Beatrice would say.
But the toys were very rarely put away.

Then, one night, a light blue, but very thick fog rolled into town.
And up the hill.
And into the house.

The next morning the fog was gone.
And the toys were gone from the floor. In fact, they were gone altogether!

And so was Bea.

This is a true story.

If there’s Nothing Shaking Come this here July...

Magnanimous in victory, clueless to what's coming.

It just goes to show you, one minute you’ve got life by the throat, radiating your beatific, gracious-in-victory grin.

The next, you’re wondering how long it’s going to take the giant hole in your chest to close.

Turkey Creek Reparations

A strange vision on the dry bed of Turkey Creek

My Aunt Betsy would sneak out regularly when she was a child in Gardner, Colorado.

Once, on a clear, bright-moon night she was out looking for cactus mice to play with.
She was poking through a cluster of yucca when she heard a drift of soft, flat babbling sounds.

Coyotes? She walked quietly across the sand toward a clump of creosote to peek down into the dry creek bed.

It wasn't coyotes.

How Fingers Grow

Take advantage of this opportunity to grow your fingers today.

Listen up nieces and nephews!


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